


It Made Me Feel Like I Belonged

by Lilsciencequeen



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Character Death, Child Birth Death, F/M, Father-Daughter Relationship, Feels, Grief/Mourning, somewhat happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 17:41:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13908993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilsciencequeen/pseuds/Lilsciencequeen
Summary: After losing his wife after child birth, Fitz finds life difficult. Thankfully he has his friends and family looking out for him.





	It Made Me Feel Like I Belonged

**Author's Note:**

> So super major feels take place in this, along with super major angst. With recent episodes, and just talking to friends online, Jemma dying in childbirth just got stuck in my mind and I ended up writing this. It was never meant to be this long, it was only supposed to be a drabble.
> 
> Major warning for death in child birth, and subsequent grief and mourning.

A gasp from Jemma, then a long, low cry of pain escaped her as her eyes squeezed shut and she tried to fight through it once more, but it was a fight that she was slowly losing, once they both knew it was unlikely she would win.

“Jemma,” he whispered, holding her hand, and not letting go but using the other to brush at her hair, damn with sweat. “You’re going to be okay, you’re going to be okay.”

He knew that he was lying to her, that it was unlikely that she was going to be okay, but he had to tell her, he just had to tell her.

“Fitz,” she whispered, wanting to get in the words before the pain intensified again. “I… I… promise me you’ll look after her…” Her eyes, desperate, glistened with tears as she made eye contact with him, and not once did she break it. She couldn’t.

“Jemma, you’re…”

“Promise me Fitz,” she tried again, but once again, the pain took over and she screamed out, unable to help herself. The noise tore into his heart, it was low, it was full of so much pain and it was like a punch to the gut seeing her like this, hearing her in this much pain.

He nodded, dipping his head down and pressing a kiss on her forehead. He knew that he couldn’t take the pain away or bear it himself, but he knew that he could be here for her, that he could hold her here and now. “I promise.”

She seemed to settle at that, knowing what she wanted to know in case it did come to the worst possible scenario, something that was looking more and more likely by the minute. Her face was ashen, it had no colour in it, and even her screams were growing weaker as if even that took too much energy, energy that she didn’t have. She couldn’t even lift her head from the pillow and she was struggling to keep her eyes open.

He continued to kneel beside her, brushing at her hair and soothing her when they both heard it; the cries of a new born, and it seemed that gave Jemma a burst of energy that neither of them knew that she had, and she lifted her head up, opening her eyes and looking towards the nurse who was now walking towards them. “I need…”

She didn’t even get to finish her sentence before she was handed her daughter, Fitz helping Jemma to support her. A soft smile crossed Jemma’s face and she stared down at her daughter, her eyes already threatening to flutter shut once more. “She’s beautiful.” Her voice was soft and distant but so full of love, of awe and wonder as she took in her daughter. Her lips flickered up at the edges, a small smile.

“She is,” Fitz whispered, taking everything about this moment in, not wanting to even miss a single second of it. “She has your nose.”

That got a small laugh out of Jemma, who pressed a kiss to her daughter’s head. “I love you, the both of you… you know… you know that… love you” Her voice was becoming more and more distant as she started to slip away, and Fitz saw it, the doctors too, who lifted the girl out of her mother’s arms, Jemma’s hold on her already fading and bundled her into her father’s arms. He dipped down, pressing one more kiss onto his wife’s forehead but her eyes had fluttered shut.

And then he was ushered out of the room as the medical team began to shout instructions at one another.

***

He had taken refuge in another room, a cot already waiting for Peggy, fast asleep but somewhat restless in it. He, meanwhile, couldn’t stop pacing, walking back and forth around the room, wanting to know what had happened to Jemma, hoping that she was alright. He had even taken to praying to an entity he wasn’t quite sure he believed in to make sure that she was alright.

It was two hours before he heard anything else. Well, not exactly heard. The nurse just shook her head and said that she was so sorry, and that was all that he heard before his legs collapsed out from under him, and he fell to the floor, nothing more than a crumpled mess.

Sobs wracked his body as he came to terms with what had just happened, with what he had just been told. All those months ago now, Robin had predicted this, had told him that this would be when and how Jemma died, and he had refused to believe it, it couldn’t be true, that it couldn’t come to pass, but it had come to pass.

Jemma… she was gone.

His head hit the back of the wall as the tears flowed thick and fast, as he tried to get use to what life would be like without her, how he was going to raise their daughter without her.

He wasn’t sure how he would do it.

How he _could_ do it. He had no experience of this, of any of this.

This wasn’t something that he was going to be able to do alone.

The door opened again, and footsteps echoed around the room, and he felt someone sit down next to him.

Daisy.

May had also seemingly come into the room, and was making her way to Peggy, lifting her out of her cot and soothing her. He hadn’t even noticed that she had been crying. What kind of father was he when he couldn’t notice that his own daughter was crying?

“Hey,” Daisy whispered, wrapping an arm around him. Her eyes were red and puffy too, there were still tears streaking down her face as she came to know of Jemma’s loss, the woman that she considered a sister. “We’re going to get through this, together, you know that?” Her voice was unsteady as she asked the question, but he could tell that she was trying to be strong. For him

“She’s gone,” he whispered, leaning into her embrace, clutching onto her like she was his lifeline to the world. “I don’t… I can’t do this… not alone.”

“You won’t,” Daisy whispered into his curls, holding onto him just as tightly as he was to her, the two of them not wanting to let go of each other as they were thrown into this new world, one without Jemma. “You won’t be alone. We’ll be here for you.”

He didn’t even nod, he couldn’t do anything except sob, burying his head in his friend’s shoulder and letting all his emotions escape him.

***

The next number of months were some of the hardest in his life. Waking up each morning seemed like a chore, the bed empty and colder than normal without Jemma. He didn’t want to do it most mornings, he wanted to lie in bed, curl up and not move. But he knew that he had to get up, he had Peggy to care for, and he promised Jemma that he would care for her. He couldn’t let her down.

So he got up each morning, and fed his daughter before taking her around the base, walking and talking to her, telling her about her mother, and every time, members of the team stopped them, wanting nothing more than to coo over Peggy and ask Fitz how he was. He headed back to his bunk then and began working on the plans for the time machine, a project which he kept losing hope in. It wasn’t going to work now, not anyway. But he knew that he had to try. Jemma had had so much hope in it, and he was doing it more for her than anything else.

After a number of hours, he fed Peggy, and played with her, before putting her down for her afternoon nap and continuing his work before feeding her once again in the evening and getting dinner, sometimes with the team, sometimes alone. The end of the day often involved the two of them playing, watching T.V. until it was time for bed once more and then the cycle began again.

It was repetitive sometimes, tiring, but he was trying his best. Peggy seemed happy and healthy. She seemed to enjoy his company, and everyone on the base seemed to respect what he needed, not wanting to upset Fitz or cause him any distress.

It was one Saturday evening when Elena came in. Not that this was unusual, members of the team often visited him, wanting to check in on him or see Peggy.

“There’s my little monkey,” she greeted, sliding the door shut behind her and kneeling down on the floor with him. Peggy babbled, clapping her hands as Elena slid closer to her, passing her over a stuffed sheep. Peggy reached for it, holding it in her hands and began chewing on it. Her eyes were wide as she took in the conversation between the two others in the room, enjoying the noises that they were making and their company.

“Is everything okay?” Fitz asked, looking at Elena, his attention lingering on her arms. He had given her the newest prosthetics the other day, and he was wondering if there were any issues with them.

Elena looked up from where she was playing with Peggy and turned to Fitz. “The arms?” She shook her head. “No, they’re prefect. Is everything okay with you?”

He didn’t answer for a moment. “I hate this. Not having Jemma in my life… I… I wake up each day thinking she’s going to be lying there, still asleep. Or maybe awake, feeding Peggy, singing to her, talking to her. But she’s not… she’s gone and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to accept that.”

“That’s okay,” Elena said, placing a comforting hand on his arm. “You love her, she’s the one you love, your wife, your best friend. It’s okay not to accept losing her, to be sad that she’s gone, to be _angry_ , she’s important to you, and you don’t have to ever let her go. You can still mourn her, whether its tomorrow or ten years in the future. But you shouldn’t let that stop you from living your life, Jemma wouldn’t want that.”

Fitz stared at Elena, completely shocked by her words. “I just… Sometimes I feel that Peggy is the only thing that I have, the only reason that I keep going, without her… I don’t know what I would do…” But his words were cut off. But it wasn’t Elena who had cut him off, it was Peggy, who had stopped babbling and had said something else instead, her sheep now discarded by her feet.

“Dada.”

Fitz’s eyes had widened, taking in his daughter who was sitting there, smile on her face as clapped her hands before extending her arms, demanding that she be lifted into her father’s arms, something that Fitz couldn’t deny her. She repeated the word, calling him Dada once again, and he couldn’t help the tear that escaped him at hearing his daughter calling her him Dad. It was a bittersweet moment, he wasn’t going to deny that because Jemma should be here with him, witnessing his first moment too. But the tears that he as crying, they weren’t tears of sadness. They were tears of joy, the first tears that weren’t full of loss and grief since Jemma had died.

“See,” Elena said, a smile flickering across her face. “You’re not alone. You have us. And her.”

***

As the weeks turned into months, which turned into years, Fitz started to come to terms with the fact that Jemma was gone, that she wasn’t coming back. It was hard, accepting that this time, there would be nothing that would bring her back, but he knew that accepting it was better than clinging onto false hope.

There were hard days, he wasn’t going to deny that; Jemma’s birthday, their anniversary, and Peggy’s birthday.

The day he had also lost Jemma, and despite how horrible a day that it had been, he didn’t allow it to become a day of sadness. He couldn’t. It was his daughter’s birthday, and he wasn’t going to make it a day of mourning and loss if he could avoid it. It was still a day of celebration and he was going to ensure that that happened.

As she did grow up, she did ask about her mum, where she was, and Fitz couldn’t bring himself to tell her Jemma was dead, not when she was this young. However, Peggy did surprise him one day when she was just over six years old, climbing into bed beside him and tugging on his sleeve. “Is mummy dead?”

Fitz froze at the words, and then sighed, setting the journal down that he was reading and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her in closer. “How do you know what dead means?”

“I heard it,” she replied. “And a book mentioned it.”

Fitz let out a long breath, knowing that this was the day he was going to have to tell his daughter that her mum was dead. He hadn’t wanted to have this conversation, not for a while anyway. Peggy knew that her mum wasn’t here, that he told her, but he never told her that she was dead. Telling her, it felt too much. “Yeah, yeah your mummy’s dead.”

“When?”

“When you were a baby. She was ill and there was… we tried but she was just so ill.” It wasn’t the truth, but it wasn’t an exact lie. He couldn’t tell her that she had died giving birth, that would have been too much to tell her. “We tried, but she was just… we couldn’t help her.”

“Did she get to see me? Before she died.”

Fitz nodded, brushing back an unruly curl, a soft brown, just like her mother’s. “Yeah, she did. She thought you were beautiful. You have her nose.”

Peggy reached up, her fingers touching the end of her nose. “I do?”

Fitz nodded, and reached for the photo on his bedside table, the one of him and Jemma, the day that they had married. He had never seen Jemma as happy as she had been then, leaning against him in her dress, her hair pinned up and a twinkle in her eyes. Well, except maybe when she first discovered she was pregnant. Before Robin had spoken her prediction.

He passed it to his daughter, her eyes widening as she took it in. It wasn’t the first time that she had looked at the picture, and he knew that it wouldn’t be the last time either. “Your mummy… she was the bravest person that I ever knew. The strongest. The smartest.”

“When did you meet?” Peggy started at him before turning her attention back to the picture once more. She always loved hearing about her mum. 

Fitz laughed, thinking back on it as he placed the image back on his bedside table. “We were sixteen when we met but we were nearly thirty when we knew we were in love.”

“That’s forever!” Peggy exclaimed.

“Yeah, yeah it is…” He sighed, knowing that if he had been braver, if he had told Jemma what he truly felt for her years before he actually did then maybe they would have had longer together, maybe they would have been able to have more time together. Maybe Jemma would still be here, alive.

But things hadn’t worked out like that. Jemma was gone and there was nothing that he could do to change that.

“She was my best friend, and we just didn’t know that we would marry each other. You know how happy she looks in the picture?” A nod prompted She… when she found out she was going to be a mummy, I’ve never seen her happier. I just wish she was able to see you now.”

“Elena says she can. She says mummy is an angel in heaven watching over us.” She scrunched up her face in confusion. “Is that true?”

Fitz knew that Peggy had started asking where her mum was in the past number of months, that she was curious as to why her mother wasn’t here with her, but no one had told her anything, saying that she should ask her daddy instead, that he should be the one to tell her. He also knew that Elena had said that the other day when she had asked, and that was all that she had said. What Fitz didn’t know was that Peggy had put the pieces together herself, working out that her mum was dead.

“Honestly monkey, I don’t know. But I know one thing, your mummy is watching over us, whether as a star in the night sky or an angel, she’s watching over us and keeping us safe.” He pulled her closer, dropping a kiss onto her curls. Despite the seriousness of the conversation, how morbid it was, Peggy seemed happy enough talking about it, taking it in her stride. She was truly Jemma’s daughter, he could see it now in this conversation, how out of even the most horrible thing that had ever occurred to him, his daughter could see the side where there was hope, a future. He had been living each day the best that he could, trying to get through the bad days, and here was Peggy, full of hope, an idea of a future, and somehow, talking to her was better than any therapist he had been to.

“I think she’s a star.” Her blue eyes, twinkling up at him where a mirror image of his own. “She liked stars, didn’t she?”

“She loved them. The stars, space. Her dad, your grandad, he taught her all about them, and she taught me.”

“Will you teach me?”

He nodded. “Of course. Tomorrow night I’ll teach you the stars. I might be able to find her old book, I think it’s in storage somewhere.” He paused, and took her in. She was still staring up at him, obviously wanting him to say something else, something more. “Is there anything else you want to know about your mummy?”

“Was she a superhero? Daisy said that she was.”

“She was. She still is. She’s my favourite superhero.”

Peggy’s eyes widened, despite living in a base that had people who had powers living with her, two of her aunts being Inhumans, the idea of superheroes was still something that was extremely interesting to her. “Did she have superpowers?”

Fitz laughed, shaking his head. “No, no, she didn’t have superpowers. She had her brain, and her heart, and that was enough. She survived space twice, she fought aliens, she swam the oceans and flew in the sky, and she was so strong and she survived so much… and I miss her Pegs, each day I miss her, you know that?” When she nodded, he continued. “But I love you too, I love you so much, and I wouldn’t change anything about you, about you being in my life. You know that? You’re the most important thing to me in the whole world.”

Peggy nodded, snuggling closer to her father. Her head came to rest on his chest, and her eyes fluttered closed, whether to sleep or to simply enjoy the moment lying there with him, he was unsure, but he just held her close. She was the most precious thing to him in the entire universe, and something happening to her, it was his worst fear. “Will building the time machine help mummy?”

The time machine.

The one that was meant to save the world.

The one that Robin had told him that he needed to build.

And the one that wasn’t working, not yet anyway.

He was trying, he really was, and he was so close to giving up, but Peggy, she was keeping him going, because a chance at a better life, a life where the world existed, he had to try. “I don’t know Monkey, I don’t know.”

He felt her adjust herself, making herself more comfortable against him and she looked up at him, her eyes full of fear and pain. “But we’re going to be okay?”

“Of course.” Another kiss pressed to the top of her head. “We’re always going to be okay, because you know what we are?”

“A team?”

“Yeah, we’re a team and we’re going to get through this like we get through everything else. Together.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it far, I am so so sorry.


End file.
